I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
