A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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