i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
