Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
