Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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