I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
