Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
