I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
