Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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