so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Randomize
