She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup