I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
