he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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