I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
