im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
