i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
