thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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