I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
