Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize
