I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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