You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
