i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
