i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Is it penis luge time yet?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
