I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
