Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Randomize
