Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
