I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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