Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
