so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
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