I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
