Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
