I wish I only lived at night.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
The uberlube is also flammable
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
