My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
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