I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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