ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
