My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Randomize
