Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
As shirtless as possible
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
