i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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