I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
