like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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