I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
