Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
