Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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