Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Dating After Heartbreak
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.