Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
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i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
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tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose