i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms