Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
