Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
