I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
