my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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