My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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