It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
