Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
