The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'