he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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