so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
