it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
