Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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