one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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